I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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