I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
