I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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