Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
