So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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