The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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