While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
