What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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