i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
