If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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