i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
