I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
