Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
