I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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