you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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