Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
