I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
