I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
