I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
