I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
