my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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