I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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