Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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