You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
They took my balls.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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