just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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