Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
