2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
farters have to be the big spoon...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
