I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
