Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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