Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
