saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
even my farts smell like vagina
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
