Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
