1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
