Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
