mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
