Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
