Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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