My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
