cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
