Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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