I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
