Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Less talking, more tequila
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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