hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
