How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
