I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I can't turn off my feet"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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