It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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