I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
