I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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