Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
