went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
