It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
