Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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